Here's my Truth y'all

I know I disappeared about as quickly as I appeared. I’m sorry, but the support from the get-go of my launch blew me away. But also, it terrified me. I didn’t feel worthy of it. And to be honest, most of the time I still don’t. Because news flash: my body doesn’t look like those after pictures right now. Not even close. I’m about fifteen pounds heavier than my best weight. And yeah, there were reasons. I had a foot injury, I stopped working out. I blew my acceptance into Texas A&M, and I got incredibly depressed. It is really hard to continue to stay at your peak when you’re depressed. You just stop caring. But more than anything I started this blog wanting to be transparent about what this journey is like.So I wanted to fill everyone in on my last year because it’s been a pretty tumultuous one.

Last fall I got accepted into A&M, and I had never felt more accomplished in my life.  I was so excited. On Thanksgiving I gave my family A&M ornaments that said “Aggie Mom” or whoever the family member was. My mom cried, my grandma cried, it was a great Thanksgiving. I did a photo shoot on campus with my acceptance banner and everything. I was so thrilled, but I was covering how terrified I actually was. Blinn was small and hardly a step up from my high school, but I had been there so long. I understood it. I hated it, but at least I knew it. A&M was huge, overwhelming, and I felt like it was too much for me. Looking back, I see how I was falling in my own personal rabbit hole. But at the time I was trying to suppress my anxiety so hard that symptoms I hadn’t had in years started returning. My anxiety doesn’t always show itself how people that don’t have anxiety thinks it does.

It wasn’t rocking back and forth, it wasn’t panic attacks, it wasn’t screaming and crying. It was the slow and painful, gentle throbbing kind of anxiety that comes with having the double whammy of depression and anxiety. I get horrible shortness of breath, to the point where I feel like I’m drowning. When I’m in that space, I become incredibly forgetful and I’m always a bit out of it, my focus is about as easy to find as Waldo. And do you want to know what my little bundle of fear and exhaustion self did? I didn’t sign up for my new student conference, which is indeed mandatory. And if you don’t sign up you waive your acceptance. Which is exactly what happened. So there I was, at Blinn another semester, but by that point I had too many hours to get into A&M.

In the midst of all that, I fell off of a curb. Literally fell of a curb, scraped up my hands and knees, and messed my foot up pretty bad. Then the same smart ol’ me that didn’t wasn’t signing up for my New Student Conference also wasn’t going to the doctor when I realized that my foot wasn’t just sprained. I walked on a foot with a bone bruise, re-injuring it every day, for NINE MONTHS. Nine months I walked to and from class every day. But obviously that walk wasn’t going to compare to bomb workouts and cooking three amazing keto meals a day, to barely working out, and most days eating very lazy keto because it hurt too bad to stand up long enough to cook a good meal. Because I was limping, my back pain grew worse(yeah I already have back pain, big boobs aren’t what they’re hyped up to be), and I was just done. I felt defeated, I felt like on paper I had all these supposedly great things going for me, but in my mind, something just wasn’t clicking quite right.

For my more neurotypical readers, that’s what depression feels like. It literally did not matter how proud my family, friends, and boyfriend were of me. It didn’t matter how much weight I had already lost, only how much more I thought myself capable of losing. More and more I found myself in need of Neville’s rememberall. After having to face everybody I know and love and explain to them my profound screw up, it only got worse. I gained more weight, my foot pain grew by the day at the same rate that my grades dropped: rapidly.

Then one day, there was a light that I hadn’t seen in months. I called my boyfriend one day and I just told him just how bad I had actually been struggling. Opening up just once in the million times I’ve been through this cycle felt absolutely insane. I deal with all of my mental health stuff super internally, I don't really share that stuff(here I am writing a few hundred words about it). He told me later that I totally wasn’t hiding it as well as I thought I was, but he wanted to let me open up to him on my own time. But I’m just going to go on believing I’m an Oscar worthy actress that whole time anyways. Just kidding, my friends all have said the same thing in the past few months.

And now we’re to the aftermath part of this story; thanks for hanging in there. I signed up for the new school in town(ask me about Rellis anytime, I’m so passionate about this place), and I got excited about my future again. And while that light is back and shining, it doesn’t mean the shadows aren’t still lurking, and pretty heavily at that. The weight I gained in that time is really taking its sweet time falling off like it did once before. I spent almost a year being a far less than admirable student, and now I’m back in school with harder classes than before. I started pretty much everything over, cut out toxic friends, and am starting over at a place where I don’t know anyone.

That’s rough on a person that wasn’t just crying herself to sleep every night for like six months straight. So, yeah. I’m not back to normal. But I don’t have a normal and maybe I’m just creating my new normal now. I’m excited about school, and about the friends I’ve been making, the women’s organization I’m starting, and the overall great new things I’ve got going. But looking in the mirror is still hard, after knowing how much better I was just a year and a half ago. I ALMOST HAD ABS. And now its has a nice layer of flab that doesn’t want to go away. My butt used to be like, almost my definition of perfect and it definitely doesn’t sit as perky as it once did. And oh my gosh I had no idea how much weight I carried in my face until now. But I need to take my own advice, and love myself through this process. My mind and body have been through a lot, and life happens. It’s really hard to see your body as it is after such a weight loss. It’s been two and a half years since I started this journey and to this day I cannot look in the mirror and see my body for what it is, even when I was at my best. So now with a weight gain that problem is only growing. I still struggle with these things, deeply. Every day that I go onto campus I have an anxiety attack because I put so much pressure on myself. Depression makes working out feel like I just scaled a mountain.

All this is the reason I couldn’t stand to write for a while. Come blog launch time I had the excitement of all these new things rushing that I don’t think I stopped to actually check myself, to see if I had mentally caught up to this roller coaster I just went through. I started this not wanting to tell all of you beautiful girls how to lose weight, but how to love yourself during the process of getting healthy and that’s an aspect that has been a huge struggle for me to live personally lately, and I just wasn’t practicing what I was preaching. I’ve had women call my story an inspiration, and I just didn’t feel like one. Thank god I have some loving and supportive people in my life to work me through this, but it is an ongoing work in progress every day. And so are you. We all are. I’m sorry I just disappeared and I pray to God that the readers I had will continue after this little break. Thanks for being patient, and I hope you’ll come back next week! Leave a comment, about something you would like to see me write about. Workouts, favorite recipes to satisfy a sweet tooth, favorite breakfasts, how I order drinks low sugar. Tell me what interests y’all!

My Typical Grocery Run

The very first step to being healthy starts at the grocery store. You HAVE to give yourself the means to make good decisions. It’s the very first thing thing that you have to change. You’re not going to go home and make good decisions if you’re still stocking up on Ruffles. It’s just not going to happen. But I’m going to give you all my favorite yummy keto and healthy in general things I buy at the grocery store, mainly H-E-B. I am obsessed with H-E-B. Most Texans are obsessed with Whataburger, I’m obsessed with H-E-B. So is my five year old cousin though and you can't tell an adorable five year old they're wrong. But if you live outside of Texas and don’t have the best grocery store ever, you can still find this stuff at your typical grocery store. This might seem silly to some and I get that but when I say I don’t eat carbs some people literally ask me “But like, pasta is fine right?” So here I am to tell you all the things I eat that are not carbs. Which yes, means no pasta. Or loaded sugar things. Or bread. But there is indeed the whole rest of the store that I can eat!

First off, spaghetti squash. It’s my basis to so much. Yes you have to get used to it, I’m not even going to lie to you. I mean in the beginning it's kind of like “its good but I want pasta” but once you haven’t eaten pasta in a while and it’s out of your system, you don’t even care! Seriously, I promise. Cover it in cheese and who cares? 

The part that people probably don’t like to hear is fruits and veggies. Spinach and broccoli I will typically buy frozen. From produce, besides the spaghetti squash, I get a jicama every now and then, and some zucchini. You’ll learn how to  cook veggies to your liking! Out with boiling vegetables to death with no flavor and heaven forbid some salt! Roasted veggies with whatever seasoning you like is the best way in my opinion. Vegetables don’t have to be boring and flavorless like Bob from Stranger Things. Honestly though, besides his whole hero stunt, worse character and I’m convinced he’s not dead and he’s going to come back and be some evil diabolical ahole. I love roasting veggies, and I’ll talk about that soon. Berries and apples are my favorite but when I’m being really strict I stick to berries, they’re lower in sugar and I buy them frozen. Fruit, sugar free whip cream, and no sugar added chocolate chips is my favorite late night study pick me up snack.

     Buy cheese, and lot of it if you’re doing keto(low down of keto for those who don’t know: high fat low carb). Cheese. Yes, the way I lost my weight was covering a lot of things that aren’t carbs in cheese. I love cheese so much. Cream cheese, cheddar cheese, parmesan cheese, swiss cheese, havarti cheese, deli sliced cheese, just not stinky cheese. I love every cheese besides a stinky cheese. Shredded cheddar and mozzarella are the basis of a lot of keto recipes you’ll find, including pizza with a crust made of cheese. It’s called fathead pizza. Do it. Try it. Fall in love and never look back.  Even with keto, you obviously can’t eat a block of cheese a day. Could I? Yes. I totally could put down a block of cheese in 24 hours. Should I? Absolutely not. Writing about the idea is kind of making me want to try though so I shall move on.

Meat, whatever kind you like! I typically grab whatever cuts of chicken I can find for sale, some ground beef, breakfast sausage, and some deli ham, lowest in sugar. But as far as meat goes, whatever floats your boat dudes. I really don’t like eating the same thing over and over again, but you do you. H-E-B has sales on frozen meat and deli meat all the time, so buying whatever is on sale then planning your week based off that works pretty well. Whenever there is a really good deli sale, I pick up some extra deli cheese too because some ham and cheese roll ups are a quick and easy low carb snack, and great for boredom snacking.

Now the good stuff. Low carb tortillas. I like the mission brand the best. These things are my bestie. They are so great. I eat tacos and quesadillas all the time thanks to these. They’re just along with the rest of the tortillas, and there will be a small variety of “Carb Smart” kinds. Get em. Keep em around. They’re six net carbs, which I’m willing to have in order to still eat tacos. Some people call this “dirty keto” and I literally do not give a single curse word fill in blank about those people. I’m passionate about tacos like Jim from The Office is passionate about Italian food. So those people can get over it. I’m not breaking up with tacos.

Sometimes if I’m stressed out I can’t stand to eat anything at all, not even a cheese quesadilla. Like a full carb cheese quesadilla. Even worse: I don't even want chicken nuggets. I want nothing to do with food in any way shape or form: and that isn’t healthy either. I have no in between when I’m emotional. I either want to eat everything in sight or just the thought of eating makes me want to throw up. So for the later, I prepare in the form of protein bars. And I have two for y’all to try out. Orgain comes in a big box that is easiest to find at Costco, but I have seen it in other stores. The only kinds I’ve tried are chocolate peanut butter and cookie dough. The other brand is Quest, which has a wider arrange of flavors. So in a Hogwarts style battle between the two I have zero idea which would win. Orgain has a better texture and yummy crunchies inside, but Quest has a wider variety of flavors for whatever mood I’m in, because sometimes that cookies and cream is just calling to me. Try them both!

HALO TOP ICE CREAM. Oh my good dear Lord, thank you for Halo Ice Cream. Love it. And my suggestion for those just starting to be conscious of what they put in their mouth: cut out all sweets

for a few weeks. It helps. Because if you’re addicted to sugar, breaking that is a huge deal. It helps. Needing it less often, and less powerful. So cut out sweets for a few weeks, then eat it. Your world will be spinning with ecstacy. I probably eat it too often and I don’t even care. It’s guilt-free. I’ve had a bad day? Console myself with Halo. Good day? Celebrating with Halo. Failed an exam? Eating Halo and reminding myself that if I fail out of college I can’t afford ice cream. Aced an exam? Eating Halo because it’s like Hufflepuff is screaming my cheers every time I victory eat some Halo. My personal favorites are cinnamon roll and cookie dough. Damnit now I’m craving a cookie dough.I buy Halo every other shopping trip or so, just so that it does still feel like a treat. Even when eating healthy, having treats that don’t completely throw you off is super important. Eating healthy isn’t about always telling yourself no: it’s even more about telling yourself yes in the best way possible.

My grocery trip is where my healthy life begins. If you start it there, even a bad day isn’t as bad as a bad day with unhealthy things in your kitchen. I’ve had a bad day and I want to just go off the rails, I’m still going to eat low carb(in comparison, def not actually keto low carb), and some halo. Which is way better than McDonalds with a McFlurry if you can actually find a working machine. Set yourself up for success and it makes your life way easier. Feel free to email me and follow my insta, get to know me, and make suggestions and ask questions! Leave a comment, I love feedback. Thanks babes!